Christmas was eh . . . .

My pre Christmas festivities were way more enjoyable than Christmas eve and Christmas day it self. I had more fun with the small events at my job and oober fun at our group Christmas party. I had fun baking and stringing popcorn with my cuzzies as well however it seems that the company time I spend with my immediate family isn't supplying me with the same joy as beig around the others I've decided to make my friend family. Christmas eve was a Christian cult disaster. The church that my aunt and my cousin and her family go to has turned them into pod people that I don't even enjoy being around anymore. They're so completely in denial of who they use to be that they've actually altered their past to suit a more desirable look to the others in there church.
We were talking about things that have happened in the past (just simple family things nothing even big) and I know for FACT that what I was saying was the truth because I lived it and they had these totally fabricated untrue versions of it. It actually at one point started to give me an anxiety attack because I was so bewildered by what they were saying.
SORRY GUYS HATE TO BREAK IT TO YA BUT YA AUNT FRAN YOU WERE MARRIED 3 TIMES AND DIVORCED TWICE. YOU CHEATED ON YOUR FIRST HUSBAND WHO EVEN KNOWS IF YA DID ON YOUR SECOND AND YOU SEEMED TO BE ATTRACTED TO USERS CONSIDERING YOUR FIRST TWO HUSBANDS WERE ALCOHOLICS AND THE LAST PASSED AWAY FROM HEP C HE ACQUIRED BY SHOOTING HEROIN. GRANTED HE WAS CLEAN WHEN YOU MARRIED HIM BUT COME ON YOU MET HIM IN APPLE REHAB (she's an RN). I wonder how your church would've felt about that if you were a member then.
KERRI YOU USE TO BE A REGULAR TEEN AND YOUNG ADULT. YOU HAD A RIDICULOUS AMOUNT OF BOYFRIENDS. IT SEEMED A NEW ONE EVERY MONTH WHEN I WAS YOUNGER. YOU WENT TO REGULAR PUBLIC SCHOOL AND HS AND COLLEGE. NOW ALL OF A SUDDEN THOSE SCHOOLS YOU ATTENDING ARE NO GOOD FOR YOUR KIDS SO YOU HOME SCHOOL AND ONLY LET THEM HANG WITH KIDS FROM CHURCH SO THE HEATHEN PUBLIC SCHOOL KIDS DON'T TAINT THEIR HOLY WAYS.

YOU WERE WHO YOU WERE YOU CAN'T CHANGE THAT. JUST BECAUSE YOUVE JOINED A CHURCH AND CLAIM TO BE CLOSER IN RELATIONSHIP TO GOD THEN THE REST OF US DOES NOT MEAN YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO LOOK DOWN YOUR NOSE AT THE REST OF US APPARENTLY NOT UP TO YOUR CHRISTIAN STANDARDS.

I don't even feel like part of the family with you guys anymore because your ideals are so far removed from the reality we live in.
I LOVE GOD, Jesus and the mother Mary and I enjoy walking in the faith of a Christian life but I do know that my faith doesn't make me an elitist Christian SNOB ! As far as I'm concerned there's nothing Christian about specific behaviors you exhibit. When your religion keeps with in itself, makes you look down on others, only encourages you sticking to your kind and turns you into people who think its their way or the highway as far as I'm concerned that faith can pretty much be categorized as a cult ! Your only a few steps away from drinking the koolaid.
I don't enjoy spending time with people I no longer feel I fit in with. It's uncomfortable and unenjoyable.

Christmas day was another disaster. Got into a fight with the steps over a family vacation. That's all I'm saying about that because honestly at this point I dont even have the energy to work my way through this battle anymore. I'm throwing up the white flag and just taking my immediate family for what it is. A combined family from two totally different backgrounds with two views on life. On the rare occasion were one solid group but more often then not we find ourselves at odds with one another and that's fine. This is who we are and this is the circumstances life gave us and why bother at this age to make ourselves miserable trying to force an elephant through the eye of a needle.

This is why God created this great thing called friends. My friends are my family as well. My besties are my sisters and their parents are my extended parents whom I love a great deal.
The girls in my group are my forever comrades who are right next to me in this battle we call infertility. They have forever changed my life and have supported me through the most difficult years. Bina is like a mother to us all whom guides us on a path to emotional repair and keeps our focus on the goal when we fall off the tracks.

I have learned a great deal about myself this year. This 2011 was a huge transition year. A huge year of growth and understanding both emotionally and spiritually. The things that have become more clear to me now are changing my views on how I see, hear and handle things.
- You must ALWAYS treat others the way you would in return like to be treated. If you find yourself saying or doing something that is hurtful and would be hurtful to you. Take a step back and always try your best to right the wrong. Apologize and allow them to see you more vulnerable and that you mean what your saying.
- You catch more flys with sugar than with vinegar. I know I still have a long way to go with this one but I can honestly say I'm making a huge effort to turn this around.
- You must learn to accept the things you can not change or have or have no ability to do anything about. You do what you can and the most that you can and the rest you have to hand over to God. This is not our timeline whether you believe in God, Mother Nature, Allah, Destiny or Karma. Trust in your faith and know that if this what you have make the most of that and the rest will take care of itself. Stressing about things you have no control over only makes you miss all the things that you should be grateful for.
- Dont judge a book by its cover. Your preconceived notions of people can make you miss the opportunity to speak with a very interesting person. I've felt awful about some particular people I once snubbed that once forced in a situation to get to know them find they're big hearted people. I asked for forgiveness for that.
- Do NOT rely on others to create your happiness. Only you can define your happiness and your sadness. Choose wisely because one allows you to live life and the other makes you miss it. I'm choosing to SEE THE GLASS HALF FULL. I'm trying to redirect the behavior that was set in me by my family. However do NOT be afraid to feel pain and be sadness because when you come out on the other side those were the moments with the most growth and who define the tenacity inside us. Every hurdle jumped over no matter how scraped your knees are builds your soul stronger. Wear your scars like a badge of honor. They're the medals you received for winning the battle. I spent a lot of time being ashamed of mine and now I embrace and love them because they represent my win over CANCER. They're represent my parents endless hours at my bedside. They represent my moms prayers being answered God. These scars are a reminder of Gods love for me. That he sees the potential in me that he has plans for me. These scars make me who I AM !

You won God I throw my hands in the air. I will no longer fight against my life but work with it.
I WILL BE A MOTHER TO MY OWN CHILD !
IM ALREADY A MOTHER.
WHETHER ITS MY CHILDREN ON MY BUS (no matter what age) MY FRIENDS CHILDREN OR JUST A CHILD STANDING BEHIND ME OR IN FRONT OF ME IN A GROCERY LINE.
CHILDREN SEE THE MOTHER IN ME. HUGS AND SMILES AND HAND MADE GIFTS FROM MY BUS KIDDIES SHOWS ME THEY SEE THE MOTHER IN ME. THEY CAN SENSE THE MOTHER IN ME AND ON DAYS WHERE I FEEL GLOOMY THEY LIFT ME UP.
What I haven't realized all along is the God already made me a mom. Its been apart of who I am this whole time. He made me this way. I no longer worry when because I know I will !

And as the wise lady gaga says ! Lmaoooo !

I'm beautiful in my way,
CAUSE GOD MAKES NO MISTAKES,
I'm on the right track baby,
I WAS BORN THIS WAY,
Don't hide yourself in regret,
JUST LOVE YOURSELF AND YOUR SET,
I'm on the right track baby,
I WAS BORN THIS WAY, YA !

Thank you 2011 your value to me was unmeasurable !
I was born on 211
The doctor that found my cancer address 11 11
My parents first house was 111
And the year I learned the most about myself 2011
Coincidence probably not. I always knew this year would mean a lot to me. I thought it would be a baby. Who knew it would be enlightenment !

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