swing, swing, swing from the tangles of . . . .

Built with sweat and love and ghetto rigged by Uncle Nick <3
We Love Our Little Round Head . . . .

BBQ, swimming and swing set building @ grandmas <3

All dressed up and no where to go . . . .

IM FURIOUS right now. My husband has to be the most unreliable person Ive ever met and for some reason I always end up the bitch because of it. I wouldnt be bitching if you didnt make me. He seems to think that I just prefer to be a bitch for no reason as if I wake up and say yupp today Im gonna make sure Im annoyed for the whole day. Well NEWS FLASH its your actions that make me this way. If you dont want me to be this psycho bitch you claim I am then do what you say youre going to do. Its not that hard and to PROCLAIM to me that you have a job as if thats some sort of like thing you should be given a GOLD MEDAL for is the shittiest excuse ever. I have a job too and I may work less hours than you but does that really make up for your lack of putting clothes in the hamper, picking up dirty dishes off the floor or getting up when you say your going to get up so the ONE DAY YOU HAVE OFF WE CAN ACTUALLY SPEND TIME TOGETHER. Thats just to name a few and if I sat here long enough the list of complaints I have would be a mile long. Your like a child sometimes ! No bill would get paid, nothing important would get done, wed have no money (we actually have no money anyway but if I didnt budget wed literally have NONE) no clothes would get washed or put away even tho you say I dont do the laundry enough BUT THATS BECAUASE IT SUCKS ! WHY DONT YOU DO IT ? BECAUSE IT SUCKS RIGHT ! WHY BECAUSE IM A WOMAN MEANS I SHOULD LIKE DOING THE FUCKING LAUNDRY. Im tired of being annoyed and aggitated I have other shit that does this to me and I dont need my husband being one of those on top of it. I know this sounds like the typical wife complaint and Im pretty sure it probably is and if I had a pussy for a husband that did every single thing I asked that would probably annoy me more but SHIT step it up a little bit. Im not asking for much here just for you TO DO WHAT YOU SAY YOUR GOING TO DO with out a fight so we can go about our day happy instead of completely annoyed with one another for most of the day. AHHHH I feel a little bit better now.  <3 blarrrrgh <3


PS . . . . we were suppose to go to the beach for the millionth time this summer and I got up got ready and have been sitting in my bathing suit since 8 it is now 10:20 and hes still sleeping . . . .

Hungry like the wolf . . . . .

Why am I so hungry all the time ? It's very annoying all I think of is food all the time. I just love it and I think at this point in my life I may be using it to comfort myself. Why is it sticking so much more than it use to. Back in the day I was pretty tiny about 114 lbs when I first met Nick. Now its hard to even tell where my jaw ends and my neck begins. At my job the other day I was asked if I was pregnant. Really ? Have I let myself go that badly that I look pregnant ? Not only is that the most INSULTING question YOU NEVER EVER ASK A WOMAN THAT QUESTION EVER but its also a double edge sword with me because Id obviously love to be more than anything in the world. Honestly if I look pregnant because of my belly then every one at Educational Bus Transportation must be pregnant too because I am def one of the smallest people at that company. Manners are very underated these days and even tho I can be a crude bitch when I want to be and definitely speak my mind I still have the intelligence to know when something is an absolute NO NO. <3 wiggity wiggity wack <3

These are the days of our lives . . . .

makin movies, making babies . . . .

Today on the East Coast Fertility website they blogged that the third part of the contest to win the free Micro IVF is to make a 3 minute movie. Lucky for me I know just the person to help me do it and I'm very excited because he said he would. As I sit here at his house we're all discussing different scenarios. I said funny, bestie said heartwarming, he wants to club baby seals LMAOOOO. What started out as playing Rock Band to get TJ to sleep has turned into a plethora of ideas to make the movie yaaaay. Monday I get more details from East Coast so stay tuned. <3 much love <3

its sexy time . . . .

Let's get one thing straight I don't even recall the last time I actually felt sexy. With all the fertility many several Drs. and Nurses that have seen my privies in the past 3 years its a wonder I even can feel sexual in that area at all. How many probes and duckbills and surgical instruments and dyes can one girl have inserted in her before a penis is just another instrument as well. In the past 3 years my husbands penis has gone from a thing of pleasure to an instrument of use to acheive our NON success at baby making. I long for the days of when we first started going out and couldnt keep our hands of each other and would frolic and play between the sheets like two sex crazed teenagers now sadly its more of a chore and has lost its allure. I pee on a stick once a month till those two lines show I'm ovulating and say hun tonight is SEXY TIME and he says ok like as if two EEYORE's are talking to each other. Don't get me wrong I love to make love to my husband but boy do I look forward to when I can ravage him again with out wondering in the back on my mind "hmmmm what if, maybe this month". Those thoughts are just so annoying and restraining and suffocating.  For now this is the hill were climbing  but when were finally on the other side THIS JILL IS GONNA THROW JACK DOWN and tumble like nobodys buisness. <3 mucho amor <3 (ya happy you bitch)

ode to pee on a stick . . . .

Haiku

Every month there's hope,
Like the dawn of a new day,
Miracles await . . . .

today is day just like any other day . . . .

I spent most of my day today dealing with anxiety on the verge of tears and catching up on all my guilty pleasure tv shows. Boy do I love the unreality of reality tv. I seriously cant get enough of the Real Housewives whom are so far removed from the actual definition its ridiculous. Jersylicious with all those big haired guidettes. I cant get enough of that. Im so super pissed one of my good friends got me enthralled in it. I love my favorite soap All My Children and Secret Life is awesome too but nothing these days is beating out Switched at Birth I love that show.(even tho both of those are not reality theyre still good and prob less scripted than the reality shows LMAOOOO)
BIG BROTHER however is my summer love obsession that I finally got the hub into and we both cant get enough of. Back stabbing, lying, and making aliances to be the last man or WOman standing to claim the BIG BROTHER BUCKS is awesome and every year Nick and I say we should really try out for this show. Both our personalities fit it pefectly for real shit starting fun. When did I stop going out and having my own fun and start living vicariously thru all my shows. I actually have always indulged in POP culture drama its so juicy and fun how could you not and for all you haters that think its lame to be so POP culture, its just as lame and more trendy to pretend youre so above being all about it.  I guess I'll get back to my tv watching now. <3 much love <3

The cheese stands alone . . . .

Well today yet another baby joins the giant lot of friends that have become mommies and I "the cheese stands alone". I put my brave face on and went to the hospital like I always do and even tho I do always love meeting a new baby it does send all these feelings thru my mind and body. When will it finally be me, when will I finally be able to give my husband a child. While I was at the nail salon today a little girl sat down next to me and we chatted a bit and before she left she ran to a basket and returned with a rose petal and said here and she gave it to me. It totally made my day and I know that was my mom telling me that every thing is going to be ok and that was a sign to give me the courage to endure yet another trip to the hospital to meet a new baby. Any time I'm upset about something my mom seems to make me feel better through the warmth and caring of a child to brighten my day, whether it be a picture drawn for me with crayon or flowers for their bus driver from the mothers day flower sale at school to a tiny rose petal in a nail salon it all makes me feel better. I love you mom and I'm going to be a great mother cause I had the best example any girl could ever ask for. <3 much love <3

The dog days of summer . . . .

So today one of my best friends showed me how to start this blog and I think that seeing as how I have bought several journals and for some reason have not used a single one this is a great place to start. I have entitled it with what I think is the most appropriate title I can think of as to how my life seems to be going at this present time. Murphys Law. Murphy can only be a woman because only a woman can be this much of a frigen BITCH. I have been on a what seems to be forever and day fertility journy to have a baby with my husband Nicholas and maybe blogging will be an outlet to pour out my frustration and my days that are happy and just simple funny moments that make me laugh. I have supportive friends and family that have been along with me thru all my ups and downs definitely more downs than up and even tho all their support means the world to me on some days even that is not enough. I go to a infertility support group once a week where I can speak my mind and be surrounded by women that know exactly what it is I'm going thru. So for those days that I dont have group I now have this. I think instead of writing exactly whats been going on the past almost 3 years I'll post the actual essay I wrote for a contest that Im entered in for a chance to win a free Micro ivf. Yes thats where Im at now entering a contest to win a FREE MICRO IVF due to the fact that weve made our selves broke paying out of pocket for not covered by our medical insurance infertility proceedures. A few artificials inseminations and a fresh full round of IVF and a cryo (frozen) cycle with no success. BLAAAARGH enough to make you want to slam your head in a wall. Im determined to become a mother and I WILL continue to hold on to the dream tight till it becomes a reality <3 much love <3