Christmas was eh . . . .

My pre Christmas festivities were way more enjoyable than Christmas eve and Christmas day it self. I had more fun with the small events at my job and oober fun at our group Christmas party. I had fun baking and stringing popcorn with my cuzzies as well however it seems that the company time I spend with my immediate family isn't supplying me with the same joy as beig around the others I've decided to make my friend family. Christmas eve was a Christian cult disaster. The church that my aunt and my cousin and her family go to has turned them into pod people that I don't even enjoy being around anymore. They're so completely in denial of who they use to be that they've actually altered their past to suit a more desirable look to the others in there church.
We were talking about things that have happened in the past (just simple family things nothing even big) and I know for FACT that what I was saying was the truth because I lived it and they had these totally fabricated untrue versions of it. It actually at one point started to give me an anxiety attack because I was so bewildered by what they were saying.
SORRY GUYS HATE TO BREAK IT TO YA BUT YA AUNT FRAN YOU WERE MARRIED 3 TIMES AND DIVORCED TWICE. YOU CHEATED ON YOUR FIRST HUSBAND WHO EVEN KNOWS IF YA DID ON YOUR SECOND AND YOU SEEMED TO BE ATTRACTED TO USERS CONSIDERING YOUR FIRST TWO HUSBANDS WERE ALCOHOLICS AND THE LAST PASSED AWAY FROM HEP C HE ACQUIRED BY SHOOTING HEROIN. GRANTED HE WAS CLEAN WHEN YOU MARRIED HIM BUT COME ON YOU MET HIM IN APPLE REHAB (she's an RN). I wonder how your church would've felt about that if you were a member then.
KERRI YOU USE TO BE A REGULAR TEEN AND YOUNG ADULT. YOU HAD A RIDICULOUS AMOUNT OF BOYFRIENDS. IT SEEMED A NEW ONE EVERY MONTH WHEN I WAS YOUNGER. YOU WENT TO REGULAR PUBLIC SCHOOL AND HS AND COLLEGE. NOW ALL OF A SUDDEN THOSE SCHOOLS YOU ATTENDING ARE NO GOOD FOR YOUR KIDS SO YOU HOME SCHOOL AND ONLY LET THEM HANG WITH KIDS FROM CHURCH SO THE HEATHEN PUBLIC SCHOOL KIDS DON'T TAINT THEIR HOLY WAYS.

YOU WERE WHO YOU WERE YOU CAN'T CHANGE THAT. JUST BECAUSE YOUVE JOINED A CHURCH AND CLAIM TO BE CLOSER IN RELATIONSHIP TO GOD THEN THE REST OF US DOES NOT MEAN YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO LOOK DOWN YOUR NOSE AT THE REST OF US APPARENTLY NOT UP TO YOUR CHRISTIAN STANDARDS.

I don't even feel like part of the family with you guys anymore because your ideals are so far removed from the reality we live in.
I LOVE GOD, Jesus and the mother Mary and I enjoy walking in the faith of a Christian life but I do know that my faith doesn't make me an elitist Christian SNOB ! As far as I'm concerned there's nothing Christian about specific behaviors you exhibit. When your religion keeps with in itself, makes you look down on others, only encourages you sticking to your kind and turns you into people who think its their way or the highway as far as I'm concerned that faith can pretty much be categorized as a cult ! Your only a few steps away from drinking the koolaid.
I don't enjoy spending time with people I no longer feel I fit in with. It's uncomfortable and unenjoyable.

Christmas day was another disaster. Got into a fight with the steps over a family vacation. That's all I'm saying about that because honestly at this point I dont even have the energy to work my way through this battle anymore. I'm throwing up the white flag and just taking my immediate family for what it is. A combined family from two totally different backgrounds with two views on life. On the rare occasion were one solid group but more often then not we find ourselves at odds with one another and that's fine. This is who we are and this is the circumstances life gave us and why bother at this age to make ourselves miserable trying to force an elephant through the eye of a needle.

This is why God created this great thing called friends. My friends are my family as well. My besties are my sisters and their parents are my extended parents whom I love a great deal.
The girls in my group are my forever comrades who are right next to me in this battle we call infertility. They have forever changed my life and have supported me through the most difficult years. Bina is like a mother to us all whom guides us on a path to emotional repair and keeps our focus on the goal when we fall off the tracks.

I have learned a great deal about myself this year. This 2011 was a huge transition year. A huge year of growth and understanding both emotionally and spiritually. The things that have become more clear to me now are changing my views on how I see, hear and handle things.
- You must ALWAYS treat others the way you would in return like to be treated. If you find yourself saying or doing something that is hurtful and would be hurtful to you. Take a step back and always try your best to right the wrong. Apologize and allow them to see you more vulnerable and that you mean what your saying.
- You catch more flys with sugar than with vinegar. I know I still have a long way to go with this one but I can honestly say I'm making a huge effort to turn this around.
- You must learn to accept the things you can not change or have or have no ability to do anything about. You do what you can and the most that you can and the rest you have to hand over to God. This is not our timeline whether you believe in God, Mother Nature, Allah, Destiny or Karma. Trust in your faith and know that if this what you have make the most of that and the rest will take care of itself. Stressing about things you have no control over only makes you miss all the things that you should be grateful for.
- Dont judge a book by its cover. Your preconceived notions of people can make you miss the opportunity to speak with a very interesting person. I've felt awful about some particular people I once snubbed that once forced in a situation to get to know them find they're big hearted people. I asked for forgiveness for that.
- Do NOT rely on others to create your happiness. Only you can define your happiness and your sadness. Choose wisely because one allows you to live life and the other makes you miss it. I'm choosing to SEE THE GLASS HALF FULL. I'm trying to redirect the behavior that was set in me by my family. However do NOT be afraid to feel pain and be sadness because when you come out on the other side those were the moments with the most growth and who define the tenacity inside us. Every hurdle jumped over no matter how scraped your knees are builds your soul stronger. Wear your scars like a badge of honor. They're the medals you received for winning the battle. I spent a lot of time being ashamed of mine and now I embrace and love them because they represent my win over CANCER. They're represent my parents endless hours at my bedside. They represent my moms prayers being answered God. These scars are a reminder of Gods love for me. That he sees the potential in me that he has plans for me. These scars make me who I AM !

You won God I throw my hands in the air. I will no longer fight against my life but work with it.
I WILL BE A MOTHER TO MY OWN CHILD !
IM ALREADY A MOTHER.
WHETHER ITS MY CHILDREN ON MY BUS (no matter what age) MY FRIENDS CHILDREN OR JUST A CHILD STANDING BEHIND ME OR IN FRONT OF ME IN A GROCERY LINE.
CHILDREN SEE THE MOTHER IN ME. HUGS AND SMILES AND HAND MADE GIFTS FROM MY BUS KIDDIES SHOWS ME THEY SEE THE MOTHER IN ME. THEY CAN SENSE THE MOTHER IN ME AND ON DAYS WHERE I FEEL GLOOMY THEY LIFT ME UP.
What I haven't realized all along is the God already made me a mom. Its been apart of who I am this whole time. He made me this way. I no longer worry when because I know I will !

And as the wise lady gaga says ! Lmaoooo !

I'm beautiful in my way,
CAUSE GOD MAKES NO MISTAKES,
I'm on the right track baby,
I WAS BORN THIS WAY,
Don't hide yourself in regret,
JUST LOVE YOURSELF AND YOUR SET,
I'm on the right track baby,
I WAS BORN THIS WAY, YA !

Thank you 2011 your value to me was unmeasurable !
I was born on 211
The doctor that found my cancer address 11 11
My parents first house was 111
And the year I learned the most about myself 2011
Coincidence probably not. I always knew this year would mean a lot to me. I thought it would be a baby. Who knew it would be enlightenment !

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Christmas festivities . . . .

Went to my cousin kerris annual church Christmas play. Then we all went out to dinner. After Caitlin, me, aunt ro and Brian made sugar cookies and strung popcorn and cranberries to make garland for the Christmas tree ! Super fun homey time laughing my butt of with my cousins and aunt ro. <3 la familia <3



































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I agree . . . .

We're fun . . . .

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Soon enough . . . .

Baby shower today ! Those are always fun ! Uggggh ! It was for the most part tho. I had good company and a lot of laughs ! Vicky and I were the comedic relief in the bathroom. There is not one time that we hang where at some point I'm ready to pee my pants. She gave me a supportive massage lol and told me how unbelievably awesome my baby shower is going to be ! Super supportive friend that bestie Vicky is ! Without her and Colleen I don't know what I'd do !
Nick finished the windows they look awesome now they just have to be caulked and I can paint ! I'm getting this place in shape being optimistic and waiting for that baby ! <3 if you build it they will come !


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Such lovies . . . .

Wednesday I went to Adrienne's job to say hi cause I had just done blood at east coast and she's right around the block. Now I knew she was super in love with how cute TJ is but to my surprise look what I found <3 lmaoooo !


He's the wallpaper at the front desk of Marion K. Solomon and Associates !!!!



She also blew up and printed out pictures and put them on her file cabinet !!!! Lmaoooo !

He was also in the slide show on the computer with all pics of the family !
THINK ADRIENNE NEEDS SOME GRANDCHILDREN ALREADY !

Thursday I went to Krista's to eat pizza with Diane and Delia because kris was at a work meeting. Delia was so excited Nick and Fluffy were coming over. She kissed us and hugged us and had really great conversation with us because her vocabulary is unbelievable. When it came time to settle down we started to watch Santa Clause is coming to town. Delia walked up to me and said Stephie cuddle. So elated I said sure you wanna have cuddle time with me. Krista always has cuddle time before bed. So she laid down and we snuggled up and she was talking quietly and watching tv then hugging her Dora doll, blanket and teddy. She then turns around does nice to my face and said I LOVE YOU ! My heart melted. She made my whole week. Actually probably month. We def start out small to keep adults enlightened to what's really important in life. I think our lessons truly come from taking the time to see ourselves thru the eyes of a child ! <3 my besties make great kids <3



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Why not document . . . .

So I had blood work on Wednesday and today I had my water sono and mock transfer. A mock transfer is where they check your uterus to see where perfect placement is for your embryos when it comes time for your real transfer.

When I get into the office this morning I park and a guy in a huge truck almost hits my car. A woman gets out and walks in the building while the guy takes out a stroller. I thought to myself they better not be bringing a baby into the waiting room that's the size of a closet and being insensitive to all of us still trying to have children.
WELL THEY DID. FAMILY OUTING TO THE FERTILITY CLINIC !


I was LIVID. I bitched cause I was pissed and the fact that there's a BRIGHT ORANGE SIGN THAT SAYS NOT TO BRING YOUR CHILDREN IN. HOW DO YOU IGNORE THAT WHEN YOU YOURSELF OBVIOUSLY WENT THRU INFERTILITY ALSO.
THE AFTER PIC ! Lmaoooo !


So I went in and got my sono after sitting there an hour and while in there I decided I'm going to document this cycle because it will make hints lighter and more fun. Rather than concentrating on getting preggie I'll be more focused on blogging.
Here's the pics <3 TMI <3

Snowman knee highs, vagina light and stirrup !


Catheter and water sono tools ugh <3


Sono internal probe !


Sono machine.


Dr. Pena doing my proceedure. Lmaoooo !


The half circle up top is my calm uterus.


The aftermath. Blue dye and benzocaine. Yuck !


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Oh Christmas tree . . . .

Put the tree up tonight after a nice dinner at Scottos in Westbury. It was the gift certificate I won for the video contest. The food was eye rolling in the back of your head good. I asked my parents to join us seeing as how they've been helping with the windows and the ICSI. We had a great time and I was all excited to come home and do the tree. My Jeckyl and Hyde husband decides he doesn't want to do it and becomes the biggest bah humbug ever. He was such a nasty asshole. Made me cry and everything. Then I decided after I sulked in my room till I calmed down that WHATEVER if he doesn't want to I WANT TO. So I did it alone and with in a few minutes he was helping too. He's been horrible lately so moody and hard to be around. He says no but I think it has everything to do with the fact that he's actively smoking again and when he doesn't for the day he gets awful. I hate that shit he was doing so good and now he's a fuckin asshole again and were fighting when we weren't for a while. Oh well if he's gonna be that way I just won't ask him to do anything with me. I don't think it's so wrong when a wife loves to do nice things with her husband but if the husband is going to be a prick the. I'm perfectly fine doing it by myself. <3 screw men, moody bitches <3



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Gobble gobble . . .

Fun night of yummy food and great family. I made yummy turnips and tiny chocolate moose pies. I'm so thankful for all my family and friends. <3 give thanks <3








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Mana Mana . . . .

Saw The Muppets Movie tonight. Yaaaay ! A little cheesy at times and way too many humans but so great to see them back for a whole new generation to fall in love with them the way I did. I went with Nick ( who fell asleep ), Vicky, tommy, Jeanette, don, Christie and billy ( who also fell asleep ). <3 It ain't easy being green. <3


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My very own Muppet . . . .

Nick bought me a muppet for a wedding present. He went with me to "our tree" in the city, on our honeymoon and now he's going to come with me to see the Muppet Movie. His name is Clyde.











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Delia . . . .

Delia and Alex loved Elmo !


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I love you bed . . . .

Double pillow top bed with a memory foam topper, down comforter, faux down pillows and contoured memory foam pillow = a happy little Mexican ! <3 ZzZzZzZz <3


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Chores . . . .

Nick has been saying that I complain about him not doing his husbandly duties when in reality I don't do my wifely ones either. As an attempt to lead by example I have decided to make chores a weekly event. The goal is to not have to do heavy cleaning because upkeep will prevent the giant overhauls I've had to do due to being lazy. Clean living space clear minds. Seeing as how we've been getting along better, I started Zoloft and attend therapy once a week to improve my well being. I figured setting up a schedule will perpetuate habit. Then being clean and organized will just be second nature. With leading into a new year and a new cycle and an attempt to turn my thinking to positive what a better way to start than by creating healthy habits. <3 regroup and reclaim <3


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Some hub . . . .

Yesterday I was talking to my parents about getting the windows downstairs. They said if nick is interested they'd rather give him the money than some random contractor. They were quoted 800 but said they'd buy the materials and pay nick 500. I then in return started to haggle and said how about nick does the windows and you pay for ICSI. Adrienne said you got a deal. Then I said nick wanted an iPad or a tattoo. All pretty much around the same price so they said he can choose. I made a couple of jokes about how he's totally going to pick he tattoo. I called him asked if he would be interested in doing and gave him the options. With out any hesitation he said DEFINTELY THE ICSI ! I was so happy I cried, my dad cried and Adrienne teared up. She knew he'd say ICSI. My dad said that's some husband ya got there. When he came home I asked him what made him make his decision so quick and he said that's the thing I want most of all ! <3 my honey <3


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In case I forget . . . .

I had an awesome SOA dream. I actually got to participate in a mission. I was with Gemma and Tara. Gemma handed me a gun I could actually feel the steal in my hands. So awesome. I can't remember what I did but I was thanked when it was over. I must've done something to prove my loyalty to the club. Ope and Tara hugged me. Afterwards jax hugged me from behind and was doing that when you walk with someone while holding them. He whispers in my ear how grateful he was. He kissed my neck a couple times and wow was it like very real. He said he hoped I'd consider staying. Then the need to poop woke me up. Grrrr !!!!
<3 damn digestion <3

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We're boring . . . .

Now I know it's probably far fetched and not even accurately portrayed; the biker club in SOA. However the show has sparked something in me. The need and desire of excitement. The fun of spontaneity. The sex that blows your mind. The desire to be sexy. I use to love to be a glorified cock tease. To throw my skirt up and show my ass a bit. To slut out a bit. Now I'm too lazy to even wear jeans half the time. I asked nick what I could do to make him throw me on a table or fuck me in a bathroom and he said you know I'm not like that. It's true he's not I think sometimes a bit of our problem is the difference in the way we like to have sex. I use to be nuts, hang from chandeliers, swallow cum, 69, give lap dances to my boyfriends or even get fingered in a movie theatre. Now I'm boring and not content with the shape my body is in. I have lost touch with the desire to be desired. Sons of Anarchy is reminding me of that want to be wanted. Stupid I know that a show on tv is causing me to have these thoughts but hey it was in there already and just needed something to light the fuse. I'm joining the gym and getting sexy for no one but myself and when I feel sexy myself everything else will fall into place. Screw it if nick doesn't want to take charge I'll just throw his giant ass on a table and tell him to fuck me he way I want to be actually no THE WAY I DESERVE to be fucked. <3 vulgar <3

Oooo baby baby . . . .


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Hot for biker . . . .

Had a pain in the ass day at work. Got Outback for din din. Decided to turn the frown upside down with some winter lager. Got tipsy and horny. Came home raped and ravaged my husband. Played a sick game of scrabble with Adrienne and Val. Settled in and watched Sons of Anarchy. Now off to have sex with quite possibly the absolute hottest guy I've ever been attracted to with hair in my dreams. <3 ohhhh jax yeah right there ahhhh <3


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Laughed till I cried . . . .

You guys want to get some Pa-Pies <3 Spanish Chewbaca <3

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Scheduled periods . . . .

I can't just tell my body to get my period as nice as that would be. After winning the contest and needing all the preliminary tests and clearance before I can start a new cycle also mixed with my doctor going on a two week vacation didn't leave me much time. I was going to try to fit my cycle in this month but I needed clearance for the hep and my kidneys. I also needed a water sono which I was suppose to do tomorrow. However with that it now pushed my cycle to December but the embryology lab closes for two weeks in December. Rather than bum rush a cycle I worked my ass off to get and worried I wasn't going to be able to make the December 31st expiration of the contest I asked Bina and the girls in group what I should do. Unanimously they all emailed me back DO NOT RUSH ! We had group last night where luckily lindsey the finance rep and one of the best people at the facility was there taking our suggestions as to how to make east coast fertility a better place. She was the person in charge of the contest and one of my major supports on the inside said to me after I spoke to her about dilemma. " It was my contest and I say you can do it when ever you want ". Elated I felt very relieved. Bina texted me today to tell me it was def ok to do it when I felt I'm ready and I am now going to be ringing in the new year with an IVF. <3 relieved <3
PS I had the worst panic attack I've had in like 6 years last night after waking up to have to go to the bathroom. I guess I wasn't fully awake and I got so freaked out I screamed for nick and he held me till it subsided. Luckily that was much quicker than back in the day because of the Zoloft. I watched tv till I got tired again then fell back to sleep. It was horrible tho I felt so out of body and scared. Nick sprang right to my aid and I thanked him all day for that. I love my hubby <3


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Halloween . . . .

We got my kiddies pumpkins and candy and toys. They were so happy. I 💜my kids ! They're so funny ! I also roasted pumpkin seeds <3 buggy eyes <3














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Carving . . . .

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Before . . . .

Seeing as how I took this pic the day before my period and it came out awesome I decided to archive it as my before preggie profile. I don't know how I got that so good but I'll take it ! If I had turned front ways it wouldn't have looked so good lmaoooo ! <3 positive thoughts <3


Before !

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Snuggling muppets . . . .

I bought a muppets snuggy ! Yaaaay ! There was no was I was walking out of Spencer's with out it ! <3 wrapped in muppets <3





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Kellogg's Pep Commercial

Pretty peculiar . . . .

I bough a pin at an antique fair the other day. It's called a pep pin and was found in Kellogs Pep cereal in the late 40's early 50's. I bought one of a little Indian that was in a comic strip back then. His name is little moose and seeing as how my mom loved Indian stuff as well as I do now I decided that will be my first. So put it on my Vera Bradley bag and that was that. I love it it's so cute. Well I lost it and I was so freaking bummed I looked for it and couldn't find it an just figured it fell off somewhere. This morning I get on my bus and wtf my pin is pinned on the dashboard of my bus ! I assumed my DA found it and put it up there and when I asked her she had no clue what I was talking about. How weird is that. Oh well I'm so happy I have my Pep pin back. Yaaaay !






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