Upped the happy . . . .

So today I picked my run and I'm sad I didn't get the same run I had 2 years in a row. I'm going to miss my kiddies.
On another note I upped my happy pill to 50mg today. I was extra tired and a smidge anxious but not too bad. I don't mind feeling a bit calmer and hopefully when the 50mg is fully in I feel alot better. <3 OCD, PTSD, PPMD, GAD <3


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180 . . . .

So yesterday I was still cocooned in my room. I had a really great convo with my therapist who was nice enough to call me because she was concerned about an email I sent to my girls in group. After the 45 min conversation about 30 min later my dad comes down stairs and says " I'm taking Adrienne to the hospital because Liz is there and bleeding heavily ". I felt sick. I would hate to think she was miscarrying. They left and I texted my best friend, my therapist and called nick asking what I should do. I knew in my heart what I wanted to do but I was so upset all weekend I was thrown into a total 180 by this news. I went with my gut and went to the hospital and within ten minutes of me being there she came out and told us she did indeed miscarry. I felt horrible because no matter who you are, what feelings are hurt or felt because of experience I would NEVER want any woman to feel the pain of losing a child. Whether it be sooner or later the ache (if the maternal instinct is strong) is there. I came home and was so weirded out. I didn't know how to feel. I felt guilty. I felt sad. I even felt feelings I don't want to admit to because they kept me up all night wondering whether I'm a horrible person or not. All in all my heart always aches for a lost child. I know I questioned my faith, cursed at it and still feel lost in it but in my soul I still pray for God to bless and keep all the lost children of any age. <3 confused <3


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We nap together . . . .

I love my puppy so much !



<3 my lovie pup <3

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Little tid bit I forgot to mention . . . .

She also had the nerve to comment on Zoloft saying and I quote " I don't really like those kind of medications. I just feel like they're I don't know worse for you in a way. " Really ! You use to snort and shoot Heroin and have dropped more acid than anyone I know not to mention what ever else. Now you go thru a bottle of wine a night when your not suppose to because your an ex addict AND you smoke like a chimney and you have an opinion on Zoloft. She's the one pregnant ! OMG ! <3 I'm so bewildered. < 3


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Bad dream . . . .

I feel like this has to be some sort of horrible nightmare. I forget and then remember and I get nauseous. I'd be lying if I said I'm not happy she's at least making the right decision this time because of my feelings about abortion but why now. Why did I have to find out how I found out. I can't help but think her seeking me out had a tinge of dig to it. Maybe because of our disgusting past I just automatically go there but a lot of our convos still have snarky remarks thrown in that prove the disdain is hidden beneath the facade. I forget then remember. It's one thing and hard enough to watch your best friends go thru this but at least you can go home and hide. This is going to be in my face front and center. <3 I don't get it ! <3

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As my best friend put it "Perfectly Fucked" . . . .

Now I know it's been about a week or so since I blogged last but that's because one I tried to purchase my own domain and that didn't work (big shock there) and just the sheer fact that I'm completely exhausted. There were many things going on this week I finished my video for the Micro-IVF contest which was slightly difficult being the nature of what it was about but with super big help from Jason and Vicky it came out great. There was an earthquake which was so crazy in itself, never thought I'd ever feel that, I actually thought I was having the mother of all anxiety attacks. NOPE just an earthquake. There was also a Hurricane so preparations needed to be made for the arrival of Hurricane Irene. Now with all that being said the video, the earthquake, the hurricane, none of that compared to the catastrophic bomb dropped on my lap Friday night.

So I waited for nick to get home from work, we grabbed dinner and headed over to Marina's because she asked us to come over so I 1- could show nick the completed video and 2- so she could load it on to You-Tube for me. We watched the video, nick loved it, I was in good spirits from how well the completed video came out and feeling positive about the possible chances of us winning when Murphy must've gotten wind of that and said to her self "I have to put a stop to this right now"! My phone rings it's Liz asking where I am I said a friends house she asked if I was going to be home soon I said no and the conversation ended with a see ya next time ya drop over. That apparently wasn't good enough. The phone rings again it's Liz asking if she can come over really quick I said I guess what for she says she wants to talk to me. I get a pit in my stomach and think to myself there's no way shed come here and do that. I go outside she shows up sits down next to me and proceeds to utter the words I've dreaded hearing her say. Well knowing me if you havent already guessed she said I'm PREGNANT ! The words came out so slow and so nauseating all I could think of to say was HERE you decided to tell me while I'm at my friends house. After a few seconds she says you can't even be a little happy for me. With that I got up grabbed my shit in Vickys moms house and got in my car raced to my parents and unleashed a Holy Fury of curse words disdain for God and over all disappointment in life, God, my parents for allowing me to find out that way and just wanting to beat my self up. I cried and cried and I still cry that everything in my life I've tried to do the right thing always to he best of my ability with a few glitches from time to time. This girl has an abortion at 16, does a ridiculous amount of drugs, ends up being the reason my ex husband tried shooting heroin, gets addicted her self, sleeps with my ex-husband after I leave, tortures me at works talking about hanging out with him, my parents force me to allow her to come home after rehab, jumps from guys to guy for years and years and finally meets a normal guy and gets her fairy tale ending while I jump thru hoops for a free Micro-IVF. Tell me the justice or fairness in that please ! This is long enough I don't even want to think about it anymore. <3 perfectly fucked <3




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Introverted is NOT a feeling I'm use to . . . .

Yesterday was my first experience with feeling introverted. Its not a feeling I'm use to but when I arrived at my aunts house I laid low and was kinda quiet. I texted nick and he said wow that's weird and not like you at all. I said I know right but I just felt tired and not like talking. Today I had a hard time getting myself off the couch. I'm so exhausted. Last week it was headaches this week it's super sleepy. I presume these are all side affects and will diminish with time. I think what I'm gonna do is take it at night like nick does and that way I'll be more up during the day. Actually more like right after dinner so by morning it's been in for a while and see how that works. Then next week I'm going up to 50mg after I see how taking it at night works. My dad said he can tell I'm mellowing out which is weird and nick said he can tell certain things I'm not fighting him on. Whether that is because I'm to tired to fight or it's the medicine not fighting is still better than being so upset and frustrated all the time. <3 yawwwwn <3


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What a house warming . . . .

Last night was a nice time at Dannys house. It then turned into a shit show of drunken chaos. People screaming, yelling and cursing at each other. Keys went missing, rides were needed and I was the only sober one at the party. I drove drunks home and a marriage split up. Nick got wasted and had to get early for work and made it. He did say it felt like a train hit him. All in all for a majority of the night it was fun and I hung with some friends I haven't seen in a while. <3 drunk in public <3


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I feel frustrated . . . .

I'm feeling pretty frustrated today. I don't want to do anything but I do at the same time. I don't feel motivated. I feel fat and tired. Broken and behind. Some days I feel positive but today I feel like why am I kidding myself. I hope this zoloft works and calms my nerves because I feel so tired of watching from the sidelines. I want to be a player on the field. Jumping over hurdles and leaping thru rings of fire becomes exhausting. Thank God I have people that love me to be positive for me on the days I can't seem to muster it up. <3 Blahhhh <3

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Fantasize much . . . .

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That was not the chair . . . .

So I had group tonight like I do every week. It was the same thing as it usually is until IT happened. The loudest fart I think I've ever heard in my life come from a girl. Doreen and I lost it and trying not to laugh made it worse. We were quietly laughing so bad we couldn't stop and Doreen actually had to get up and leave the room. Can you believe that bitch left me to laugh alone. We continued to giggle about almost everything. She even said it felt like we had smoked before group. Lmaoooo ! When it came time for meditation there's a particular song that I can't stand in my therapist's meditation mix because all it is this horrible GONG sound over and over. Low and behold it comes on and me and Doreen lose it againnnn. My therapist I think got a little agitated and says let me just turn this off and she did and the rest of the mediation you could tell we thru her off with our incessant giggling. All in all it was a funny group that we continued to laugh at on the ride home. <3 farts are too hilarious <3


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Laughing hurts my headache . . . .

I just asked Vicky "Does your mom order Chinese ?
Her response was "Food?"


Can ya tell me what other than food could've come after Chinese ! Lmaoooo !

<3 vicky and stephie BFF <3

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headache . . . .

I have a headache ugh. I cant stand headaches. I took tylenol and it def helped but I can feel it still lingering. Maybe its the weather maybe its the Zoloft. I also have a fuzzy eye. I need eye drops. Wahhhh ! lmaoooo ! <3 tiniest violin <3

a more hospitable environment . . . .

So yesterday I did it I took my first ZOLOFT pill. I cried because I was scared and nervous but if this is suppose to help me deal with this issue I'm going thru right now and make my womb a more hospitable environment then I suppose I should give it a shot. Ive been in infertitilty group therapy for a year now and we meet every Wednesday. My therapist suggested I perhaps try this because of my conversations I have in group about stress and my pain I deal with on a daily basis about my mom. Bina (thats my therapist) thinks that the post traumatic stress I have from not only losing my mom but actually physically witnessing her die in front of me has affected every cell in my body and that a stress reducer may help while Im under another physically and emotionally taxing time in my life. I also have developed a pretty decent obsessive compulsive disorder thru this due to the lack of me being able to control the situation I actually want to control. It has gotten to a poing where it interfers with my day to day living. Nick said he thinks that its time for me to take something because he feels bad when he sees me get actually physically stuck in my rituals I have to perform just to get thru my day. Some days he doesnt empathize tho and we fight about it. I developed the OCD after my mom died and it was a little intense then. It went away for a few years and then came back full throttle when I went thru my divorse. It went away again and then came back the worst Ive ever had it during this issue with infertility and has been intensified since my last two IVF failures more so the second one. I also get PPMD high intense SUPER BITCH MODE pms and it should calm that down too. Im not gonna lie Im still anxious about it and skeptical but if it does help Ill be relieved to have less stress. <3 roaaaar <3

is it 7 years already . . . .

So today it is officially 7 years since nick asked me to be his girlfriend. Were obviously married now but it's still an important day to me We had a somewhat nice day. It def wasn't fight free we still bickered but all in all it was fun. We went to dinner not where I wanted to go and it sucked but we hung out at Jen and franks and watched Your Highness and that shit was hilarious. We went out for gelato's and espresso's yummers. I love my honey we're to annoying to inflict ourselves on anyone else lmaoooo. Now were going to sleep to Tropic Thunder. <3 Nick loves Stephie <3
Omg he just called me a wildebeest ! What a jerk : )




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No time for losing cause we are the champions . . . .

Made big progress on working towards starting the video with Vick and Jason today. He has awesome vision for the video and talking about it tonight at my house made me cry like I always do about every thing then I wonder why I always have problems with my allergies. Lauren from group is pregnant and I'm so happy and so frustrated all at the same time. We have alot of girls come into group and get prego on their first IVF. It's not super shocking but still like again why for some of us is it so much harder ? <3 nick and I love queen <3




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Yupp this pretty much sums it up . . . .

5 days early YUCK . . . .

I've been such a raging bitch for the past week and it hurt the last time i shaved thinking how cause my period is not due for more than a week. Low and behold I got it today completely by surprise. My poor but awesome hubby had to run out and get me my pads lmaoooo hes such a good hubby. OH MY GOSH no wonder my posts last week were so pissy. LMAOOOO. Oh well whatcha going to do I'm a super bitch every month and then a sigh of relief once the flood gates open LITERALLY, Too tired to be super bloggy today. <3 cranky <3

PS - my being furious with a certain subject still stands tho that had nothing to do with my period <3

IPhone Unsavy . . . .

Definitely not going to be saying a lot tonight. I'm just getting the hang of this and not even sure I'm doing this right. Thank you Marina so much for all your help we love you tons ! <3 Mucho Amor <3
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continued . . . .

Pam

Steph - My husband said something interesting to me the other day which came to mind when I read your email.  I mentioned in group the other day another close friend of mine told us she was pregnant.  So we were talking about it the other night and I asked my husband if he was doing ok after hearing the news?  And he said yeah of course he was a little bothered by it but he also said he was concerned about loosing their friendship and that made me think.  Lately not by our faults......everytime a friend of ours gets pregnant we remain friends but the second that baby is born the friendship starts to separate.  At first we hear the excuses that they have so much going on with a new born that they can't get out of the house.  Then months fly by and they can't go out because they can't get a babysitter.  Then it's the kids first birthday party and guess what we get to see them because then it's all about the kid!  Only it's not where we want to be.  But we always end up going feeling like we have to "to be a good friend" because we haven't seen them in so long.  So to get to my point we both realized besides feeling shitty about all of our friends having kids now we realize we're loosing all of our friends because they would rather hang out with couples that have kids than us.  We're running out of friends!  It's really sad.... 

think of this........ isn't a friend a person who is there for you always and to support you?  So why are people that make us feel so crappy called our "friends"?  Unfortunately throughout this process it seems like we have all lost friends one way or another.  We have to do what's right for us.  Having positive and supportive people in your life right now is so crucial to all of us.  Good luck with whatever you decide to do.....

Jen C.

 I feel the same way and actually my husband was the one who noticed that we are losing our friends. I wish that things could stay the same but unfortunately we are not part of that club and I feel like people don't invite us to some parties anymore because of our situation, so we have the shit end of the stick both ways...do we get invited and feel miserable there? Or be singled out and not invited?

Steph,

You need to drop her like a bad habit!! If not forever then for a while, people will just never get this pain we go thru, maybe she will realize eventually. I've had to drop a few too, if there good friends they need to be more supportive and that shouldn't be so hard to do.

__________________________________
(Jenn,

Thanks for the advice. I was considering ordering online since I know I can't handle the store.  I am having it shipped to her house...can't have the items in the house.)

THIS WAS ABOUT SOMETHING ELSE BUT I ALSO WANTED TO POINT OUT THAT I HAVE GONE ON ALL MY BEST FRIENDS REGISTRIES TO LAUGH, HAVE FUN AND SUPPORT SO I DONT EVEN CACOON FROM THE STORES EITHER AS HARD AS IT IS. I EVEN WENT BACK FOR ALL THE RETURNS FOR JEANETTE WE WERE PRETTY INSEPERABLE AS HARD AS IT WAS WHILE SHE WAS PREGNANT. WHY SHE CANT REALISE THAT SINCE ALEX WAS BORN OUR RELATIONSHIP DETERIORATED IS BEYOND ME. NOT TO MENTION IVE GONE TO DRS. VISITS, SONO APTS, EMERGENCY ROOM RUNS AND 4 HOUR SUGAR TESTS. YA KNOW WHAT THE MORE IM WRITING THE MORE IM NOTICING IVE DONE ALOT STILL WITH THIS SUPPOSID ISSUE I HAVE SO AGAIN I SAY.. . . FUCK YOU YA BITCH. 
________________________________________


Doreen

 And the losing friends issue is a huge problem for us also....we r the only couple out of all our friends who don't have children...they all have at least one if not more. We r the only ones not invited to the kids bday parties b/c they tell us they don't want us to b bored...and when we do go we are the only losers there w/ out any children...and the best is that we have a huge st.patricks day party every year at our hse and the first two yrs my husb and I looked around and were like wtf there r more baby bottles than beer bottles in our hse right now and strollers and car seats everywhere...the last straw was when my cousins wife was breast feeding on the couch in our living room...I was like REALLY!!!!!  So from then on the invitation says ADULTS ONLY and many people took offense to this...we used to have.  around 60 people and now its down to like 40 b/c we here that they can't get babysitters or even better...I work all week so I feel guilty if I don't spend the wknd w/ my kids...don't they realize that they also need some adult time and is a drunk fest st. Paddys day party really a place for children anyway??  Then two wknds ago we invited about 20 couples over on a Saturday night...we gave them well over a mths notice...10 couldn't make it b/c of babysitting issues and 4 canceled that morning b/c of babysitting issues....out of 20 couples 6 showed up....how pathetic...my husb said we better start inviting kids or we won't have any friends left...I did the math and we would've had 37 kids at our hse from those 20 couples....that's just totally unreasonable....and then when we r lucky enough to get together with our friends without their kids we just sit and listen to them talk about them all night anyway....so maybe all of us should get together instead :)

wow that was fast . . . .

Michelle

Hey Steph,
Your friend is out of her mind for what she said to you.  She should be de-friended from your life immediately!  People who can get pregnant should experience life in our shoes for a while.  Maybe they would understand.  I have recently started to delete people who are insensitive and negative out of my life and it does feel good.  I can't have anyone around me that will be negative.  I don't find your request to not be around young children an odd or exhuberent (sorry, spelling) request.  You need to do what is comfortable for you right now.

Lauren

First I thought I was the only crazy one up at 7 AM on a Sunday.

Steph-I agree with Michelle. At least while you are going through treatment you should minimize contact with this friend. Its bad enough that she said those things to you but to put it in writing and hit send! Once you put it in writing you can never take it back. I understand people have their own lives and own issues and don't need to be tip toeing around me and my fertility issues all the time. But then guess what I can be selfish to and not answer your emails, texts or calls. You have to do what makes you feel happy at this point. And from your email below it sounds like this was one of the worst things said to you in a really long time.

Wendy

Steph drop her like a hot potato! I stopped talking to the naysayers. It was hard in the beggining & thinking now it still makes me a bit sad. But it was helpful bc I didn't need negativity in my life.
And neither do you. Case in point most if all of your other friends hear you & have left their kids somewhere else to hang w you, it's not you. (and if all your friends were insensitive, u would just need a whole new batch)
I'm going to be harsh bc I'm trying to be the voice of reason. If u continue to try to reason w her, you aren't helping. You need to walk away. Best case, she misses you, hopefully reaches out to one of your understanding mutuals & they talk some sense into her.
And important, do not tell her (unless you already did) I can't be your friend. Just stop interacting. She probably won't get the hint, so you will have to ignore her a long time.
Once u have a kid, if u want her back, tell her u miss her & I bet she takes you back ( if she ever stopped trying, bc she sounds clueless).
Remember you are always #1. not just now bc u are fertility challenged, but always. So if someone pisses you off, don't respond for a while. In our immediate culture, we are always responding, when we should be sitting on it & letting go.

THAT WAS JUST A FEW WE'LL SEE IF I GET MORE <3
I tend to agree with all this. I actually dont think Ive been as avoiding as some ladies are who wont even go to baby showers or christenings or to meet the new bundle when their born. Ive done all of that and all the while undergoing infertility treatments so she can kiss my ass. I had a failed IUI cycle and went straight from getting my results to see Delia who was born the same day. I cooked all day the day before my retrieval for Jeanette for Alex's christening and then the day after my retrieval went to his christening to hold him while he was baptized after undergoeing 21 injections thru my uterus and scar tissue and ovaries all to have the cycle fail. I went to my besties babyshower 4 days after my second transfer and after finding out I was not only going to be at a baby shower but my husbands ex gf had just recently found out she was pregnant. Also to have the cycle fail.
ALL OF THESE BABIES I WENT, SUPPORTED and HELD the day they were born.
SO FUCK YOU IVE BEEN DOING A DAMN GOOD JOB TO THE BEST OF MY ABLILITIES !
<3 stephanie loves nick <3

You didn't really just say that did you . . . .

I ran a difficult conversation I had with a friend yesterday past the rest of the girls in my Feritlity Group to see how they would feel in this situation. I asked my mommy besties and obviously thought it was uncalled for but lets see how women who are going thru the exact same thing as me respond to it.

HERES MY EMAIL :

Well ladies I had an interesting conversation with one of my friends thats been such a giant challenge thru my infertitily journey by not being able to grasp or even try to put her self in my shoes during this whole huge challenge in my life. Yesterday was the icing on the cake. I tried to get her to understand that its BOTH of us that have put this strain on our relationship. 1 - because of what I have been going thru and 2 - because she is a very hands on mother that doesnt seem to EVER be with out her child. No one else is good enough to watch him. She basically has set herself up to NEVER be able to have child free time then complains that she doesnt have all the LUXURYS of PAWNING her kid off on other people (those were her exact words as if my other frieds have servants to watch their kids while we do girlfriend things and they at least respect the fact that my fertility journey has left me weak mentally for being around mothers and their children during long durations of time). She said that she doesnt have the luxury to pawn her kid off on someone refering to one of my other best friends and then said im sorry my kids not 5 and can entertain himself. HES TWO HE CAN ENTERTAIN HIM SELF AND if she wasnt such a control freak shes be able to have free time. If she would just admit that her control issue is basically the reason she has issues with EVERYONE in her life then wed be able to move past this. Frankly at this point I dont even think we can with the last text she sent me that I was so angry I didnt even reply to because it was way to insensitive to even respond to.

HERES THE LAST TEXT FROM HER AND LET ME KNOW WHAT YOU THINK <3

"I just explained the whole sitch to you about childcare and I'm sorry but I DO this this YOUR problem bc I think it is extremely rude to even ask what your asking of ALL your friends not just me so maybe thats why I think you should be the one making the extra effort... I'm not saying wanting to hang out with out kids is wrong but 2 say I'm not going 2 ever with them is a hard pill to swallow .... I really don't want this to be taken in a mean way but what if you and Nick can never have kids what happens then ?

I HISTERICALLY CRIED OVER THIS LAST TEXT BECAUSE I THINK TO SAY THAT TO ME PRETTY MUCH SOLIDIFIES UR NOT MY FRIEND UR JUST A FUCKIN BITCH THAT CANT ADMIT HER OWN FAULTS and would rather make me feel like shit than meet me half way on our issue. LET ME KNOW WHAT YOU THINK. thanks <3

So I'll let ya know what their responses were.

Ya know its easier to say the things that she says when she FORTUNATELY has none of the issues I have but I wonder how she would want to be treated if the shoe were on the other foot.She never has sympathy for anyone if theyre going thru something she doesnt relate to. I shouldve known when she basically told me my anxiety was ridiculous one day because she thinks its just this made up thing because she NEVER has anxiety. I have never said I do not have faults I understand this issue has not only been dificult on me but also anyone close to me having to deal with me when maybe they dont want to at times. I feel bad often for this being the dominating conversation I am always talking about but THERE IS NOTHING I WOULDNT DO FOR MY BEST FRIENDS IF THEY NEED THE SUPPORT AND THOSE WHO ARE SUPPORTING ME THRU THIS HUGELY DIFFICULT TIME IN MY LIFE IM INDEBTED TO because it is truely beyond words apprectiated . <3 Ai yai yai <3 

I LOVE LUCY . . . .

How better can I put it than the actual title of her show itself. Its true I LOVE LUCY. I have watched her since as far back as I can remember. I know every single episode word for word. I don't even need the volume on and I could speak every line. She has brought me comfort on Nick at Nite as a small child before bed and even now if I get upset about anything I can watch her and Im histerically laughing in a couple of seconds. Shes a pioneer NO ONE was doing the kind of comedy that she did at that time. No woman had a show with their name in the title and the show being centered around them. Her physical comedy was unsurpassed by any woman of her time and she out witted a large amount of men as well. She showed the world that WOMAN are funny too. She paved the way for every woman comedian to follow. I watch her show and my troubles melt away. I always kid around and say I LOVE LUCY and Little House on the Prairie are my XANAX and that when theyre on I feel ease of anxiety and safety. My mom LOVED LUCY and Little House so thats probably why I feel that way about them. So today is her 100th birthday and I thought I'd write a little homage to a woman and character that has meant so much to me. A good majority of my funny shtick I pull when Im out with friends and family stems from her comic influence. So thank you LUCY for year and years of laughs and cheers to many more. <3 LUCCCCY IM HOMEEEE <3

always scheming with her best friend

(colleen and I have always said this is us)

and always getting caught . . . .  (like myself ah ha ha ha ha)

mother may I . . . .

tell you how much I miss you !

haiku

Your love was whole love
The kind I'll feel forever
I will love the same . . .


Looking through pictures of my mom made me miss her so much. My mom would hug me and I would feel how much she loved me. When I have my own child I will hug them the same way. As the years go by I sometimes get upset that I have trouble seeing her face in my head but the feeling of her arms around me is something that NEVER fades away.

Ward Cleaver Myth or Reality . . . .

I grew up with shows like Leave it to Beaver, Dennis the Menace and Little House on the Prairie. All the while I watched as the MAN went off to work to make a living to support his family. Does this type of life still exist? Did it ever exist? Where have all the Ward Cleavers gone, the Pa's, the men that wanted to take care of their family. Trust me I know that these ideals may be very archaic. There is a very large amount of women that would be slapping me in the face right now if they read this and even though I love that I have the option to have a career if I want to, what if I want to be a "House wife"? Wheres that option and whats wrong with that? Is Ward Cleaver just another Lockness or Bigfoot? Is he this illusive creature that doesnt really exist but one that we continue to search for or is he a thing of the past that at this point I have to admit will never be found. I grew up living a life like this. Dad was the patriarc and my mother only worked because she wanted to. My dad never said no woman you must stay home and be my man slave. Instead he said you work if you want to you, do what you want HE GAVE HER THE OPTION because really he could support us all. Now Im not stupid I know that in this day and age its almost impossible due to the fact that things are so astronomically expensive and both the husband and wife need to work and Im more than intelligent enough that I dont need a man for me to survive but I would love todays MODERN MAN to stop being such a FRIGEN PUSSY and step up their game. This is a common fight I have with my (raised only his mom) husband. At the time Im so frustrated and Id love to jump is his body and be more of a man for him but why should I have to do that. Then when I sit back and think about it we're all products of our families, our environments, our society so how do I fault the man of the environment that made him this way. Its not like Im with out a billion faults myself. However this is MY BLOG and I get to unleash my anxietys and frustrations and if he would like to do the same then he can start his own blog and bitch all he wants about how much of a pycho bitch I am. Until then I will end with the same question. Where have all the Ward Cleavers gone and why does modern man have a bigger vagina than the women their married to? <3 woah baby HARSH but cathartic <3

ca·thar·tic/kəˈTHärtik/

Adjective: Providing psychological relief through the expression of strong emotions; causing catharsis.

holy UTI batman . . . .

Ugh yesterday I took an at home test for it and low and behold positive and Im off to the drs. today. I have to always make sure Im on top of these because I have polycystic kidney disease and an infection in my kidneys is not a good thing or it could be caused from the PKD itself.

On a better note I saw a commercial for White Post Farms today and Batman is going to be there this weekend. I texted vicky and it looks like were going to take bat baby to meet the Dark Knight woooo hoooo should be fun. Then you can walk around and see all los animales de granja. <3 me encanta la granja <3

theres a reason Linus carries that blanket . . . .

So most of the day today I had anxiety about tonight because I knew that I was going to be surrounded by babies. I went to lee lee's house for cake for debs bday. Both ashton and tj were there and it was a great opportunity to get footage of my fat fuckin head with the babies to give to jay for my video but it was still kind of intimidating because what I want so badly seems so unattainable. Once I settled in like I always do it was obviously alot less horrible than i thought it was going to be. I even stayed later than vicky whom is my receiving blanket for when Im nervous.
Also tonight nick went to his first husbands infertiilty support group. I am beyond proud of him you have no idea. For him to go by himself sit with other husbands he doesnt know and share how this experience has been for him is HUGE. It was with my therapist Bina who is the most fabulous therapist ever and I def think that helped because nick knows how much I trust her. He said it went well and Im sure Ill get the tidbits later on how it officially went. He asked if he could go chill with his friends for the night and I of course said go ahead becaue he probably needed some bro time after getting in touch with his feelings and emotions. ( i know that sounded bad nick doesnt need my permission to hang out with his friends) There is about 12 women in my support group and only 3 husbands showed up tonight so I gotta say Im quite proud and impressed one of those husbands was mine. I know nick wants this just as much as I do but to actually see him go and speak about it shows me were defintely in this together. That sounds silly of me to say I mean its my husband obviously if were having a baby hes obviouly in this with me but actions sometimes speak louder than words and his actions tonight really meant alot. <3

where the heck is this guy <3

some one better make these for me or find some one who can <3

oh no CHI didn't . . . .

Why did my favorite hair straightener in the world have to crap out on me when Jay came up with the best idea for my MICRO IVF video. Thank goodness Im a smart cookie and I save the box for anything expensive so I can exchange it at Bed, Bath and Beyond. If my fat head is going to be on camera the least I can do is 1 - make sure my fat thighs are always covered because my celulite is gross and it was all over Vickys Iphone yesterday ick, 2 - make sure I cover my rosacea with some AVON makeup lmaoooo and 3 - conceal the size of my head with decent looking hair. My head has always been a giant MEXICAN size head but lately with the weight gain my cheeks seems to drip into my neck losing all sense of a jaw line. LMAOOOO. So they released the DEETS on the contest and seems they are looking for an emotional video. Jays concept that he came up with that was so emotional Marina had a hard time telling me because she was crying and then left Vicky and I in tears is going to be awesome. Im going to be blogging ALOT to get thru it because its so true to how I actually feel Im afraid that Ill cry after were done. Good thing Ill have friends by my side to help me laugh my butt off. Thank you God for blessing me with a great sense of humor because it has been my saving grace thru all the tragedy in my life. Thru the tragedy there have been many blessings along the way as well so for that Im also greatful and hopefully this is just another one of those hurdles to leap over. Im gonna have to shove my CHI back in the box and see if theyll take it back. Wish me luck. <3 HOPE is what keeps me going <3