180 . . . .

So yesterday I was still cocooned in my room. I had a really great convo with my therapist who was nice enough to call me because she was concerned about an email I sent to my girls in group. After the 45 min conversation about 30 min later my dad comes down stairs and says " I'm taking Adrienne to the hospital because Liz is there and bleeding heavily ". I felt sick. I would hate to think she was miscarrying. They left and I texted my best friend, my therapist and called nick asking what I should do. I knew in my heart what I wanted to do but I was so upset all weekend I was thrown into a total 180 by this news. I went with my gut and went to the hospital and within ten minutes of me being there she came out and told us she did indeed miscarry. I felt horrible because no matter who you are, what feelings are hurt or felt because of experience I would NEVER want any woman to feel the pain of losing a child. Whether it be sooner or later the ache (if the maternal instinct is strong) is there. I came home and was so weirded out. I didn't know how to feel. I felt guilty. I felt sad. I even felt feelings I don't want to admit to because they kept me up all night wondering whether I'm a horrible person or not. All in all my heart always aches for a lost child. I know I questioned my faith, cursed at it and still feel lost in it but in my soul I still pray for God to bless and keep all the lost children of any age. <3 confused <3


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